I Did A Juice Cleanse. It Was Awful.

Reasons why I thought I could do a 3-day juice cleanse:

–          I sort of like vegetables. They’re not the worst. And I love fruit.

–          There are 6 veggie and fruit packed juice drinks a day. I won’t be hungry!

–          My friend Julia from downstairs did it and LOVED it.

–          It will charge my body with so many nutrients, I will feel GREAT! I will be so healthy and detoxified.

–          If my roommate Lucy can do it, so can I!

–          Why not?!

When I first discussed doing a juice cleanse with my roommate, I felt very confident that I could do it, no problem. Probably because it was a week away. And while we were talking about it I was eating pretzel chips (everything flavored . . . YUM!) so it was hard to remember was it feels like to be hungry.

I was even pretty sure juicing was a good idea when we went to the store and bought all the ingredients. I love drinking out of Mason Jars! So obviously drinking kale, cucumbers, romaine lettuce, and ginger all juiced up out of a Mason Jar will be fun . . . as fun as drinking white wine . . . right?

The day before the cleanse I was still pretty confident. I told my mom about it really casually. I was all, “Yeah, I’m going to try a juice cleanse. Lucy and I are doing it. I might eat if I get hungry but I think it will be good to get all the vitamins and what not.” So smooth.

It wasn’t until 9:00 PM the night before we started that I got really nervous and realized I wasn’t sure about this whole juice thing. Lucy and I went downstairs to start juicing with Julia and that’s when I got really quiet and began convincing myself that it was impossible (inner panic attack!) It’s just SO MANY VEGETABLES. Can I really survive for 3 days just on liquefied veggies?

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So I told myself I would do the juice thing for one day. Just to give it a try. Just one day. You can do anything for one day. Or can you . . .

Day 1

Monday February 24, 2014

6:30AM – My alarm goes off. I realize I don’t have to make/eat breakfast or pack a lunch so I now have 15 minutes of my morning routine where I have nothing to do. I lay awkwardly in my bed, check Instagram, and try not to think about how much I really want coffee.

6:45 AM – I decide to get up and pack my juices. I magically fit all 4 mason jars into my lunch box. This must be a good sign!

6:47 AM – I pack a banana and a granola bar . . . just in case!

6:48 AM – I take the first sip of the “green juice.” EGHHHHBELEEEGGHHHHH! It tastes like I am drinking a salad. A salad made out of celery and grass. This is not good.

7:10 AM – I drive to work without drinking any more of my green juice. I will drink it at the office for sure, I tell myself. And I’m not even that hungry . . . The other juices will be better . . . (LIES!)

7:54 AM – I sit at my desk trying to sip from the green juice and then chase with water. I send this selfie to Julia (juice guru) and Lucy (poor, hungry roomie also trying cleanse for first time).

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8:30 AM – Lucy is feeling my pain. Julia thinks the green juice is delicious. I am worried about her.

8:57 AM – I contemplate just not finishing the first juice and going right to the second one. #2 is made out of pineapple, green apple, and mint. That has to be better right? Or maybe I’ll just eat the banana . . . NO! I can’t give up after just one juice . . . must resist . . . PS since when were bananas so appetizing?

9:06 AM – Julia says she thinks by tomorrow I will like the taste of the green juice because the cleanse is retraining my taste buds. Tomorrow? HAHAHAHAHA. By tomorrow I will have stuffed my face with donuts. And bacon. And chips. And candy. And milk. And ice cream. And pizza.

9:10 AM – I go to my lunch box in the break room and take out the banana. It’s currently sitting on my desk, mocking me. I am not desperate enough to eat it yet, but I think I might be getting light-headed.

9:31 AM – I eat the banana. Official time on juice cleanse without eating solid food = 3 hours and 1 minute. #fatkidproblems

9:35 AM – Banana guilt sets in. I will not give up! I will keep trying. I do feel better with that banana in my tummy though . . .

9:46 AM – I re-read the instructions for the cleanse online. How are other people drinking this green crap? They are crazy. As my coworker so helpfully pointed out, it looks like pond scum.

9:58 AM – I (sort of) finish the green juice. But then I remember that I have to drink that one again today as my 3rd juice. WHY?!?!?!?!

10:03 AM – The second juice is actually yummy! This may be because it is the only one without any vegetables in it . . . utoh . . . whatever I’m just excited that I like one of the juices.

10:11 AM – I confess to Lucy and Julia that I ate the banana. I am called a “traitor.” I regret nothing.

11:20 AM – Lucy drinks the wrong juice. It is possible that I mixed up the time labels on her mason jars. She is worried she might die. Why is juicing so complicated?

11:34 AM – Julia confirms that Lucy will not die as a result of incorrect juicing. Phew!

11:36 AM – I eat the granola bar I packed. The chocolate chips in it are glorious!

12:00 PM – On my lunch break, I go to Hannaford and buy lunch. And chips. And milk. I have officially failed at the juice cleanse. FAILED. **cue dramatic music here**

Although ultimately the whole juicing thing did not work out for me, I think it was an interesting experiment. In retrospect, I probably should have guessed that chugging lots of vegetables all day and not eating solid food would be an issue for me. I am the same girl who cannot eat real Greek yogurt; I eat Chobani Champions and pretend it’s the same thing. And I am also the girl who literally has to eat every hour that I am awake or I get cranky. I am the definition of hangry.

But I am very proud of myself for trying something new and eating outside of my food box (I didn’t enjoy it but at least I tried!).  And I ended up with one new juice recipe that I liked, so that’s a win! If you’re curious about the juice cleanse instructions we followed or interested in seeing the juice recipes, here is the site we used http://www.carriebradshawlied.com/2013/07/diy-blueprintcleanse.html .

Things I learned from my failed attempt to do a juice cleanse:

  1. JUICE CLEANSES ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE! I learned that I am not a juicing person. Maybe you have more will power than I do. Maybe you are not a baby and can go for more than 2 hours without eating. But I cannot. I will take my heavily processed Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal over a kale smoothie for breakfast any day!
  2. The most useful thing I learned from this adventure is that you can get really cheap vegetables at Asian Markets! We went to a local Asian Market and bought the following super long list of fruits and veggies for only $21:

30 ribs of celery

6 cucumbers

18 kale leaves

18 romaine leaves

1 bag of spinach

12 green apples

10 lemons

15 carrots

6 beets

1 pineapple

9 oz. unsalted cashews

Fresh ginger

Mint

That’s amazing! The same list at a regular chain grocery store would be upwards of $50. So whether you’re doing a juice cleanse or just trying to stock up your fridge with healthy snacks, check out your local Asian Market for low-price, fresh fruits and veggies.

  1. The other fun fact I learned during the juice cleanse experiment? Plain cashews are actually delicious! No salt or roasting is necessary. Plain cashews not salty like you’d expect them to be, but kind of sweet and crunchy. Try them!
  2. Julia and Lucy are crazy awesome at juicing. Shout out to them for actually doing this juice cleanse for 3 DAYS. You two are amazing.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse? Were you as terrible at it as I am? I’d love to hear about your experience. Feel free to leave comments.

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